A Night on Mt Oe
by Shateu
Summary: Variety is the spice of life...and two demon lovers intend to spice theirs up. (CRACK ALERT)
1. Chapter 1

***comes out with megaphone, clears throat***  
Attention! This is CRACK! Crack, crack, crackity crack, crack! I repeat, this is CRACK! This is NOT cocaine! This is bargain basement, five bucks a vial CRACK! If it ain't your drug of choice, I ain't shoving it into your face-do not come for me for this CRACK! I don't even know where this came from!

***puts down megaphone, bows***  
Thank you. Please enjoy my sleep deprivation-induced madness.

(Okay...so maybe I have a vague idea where it came from.)

* * *

The summer sun was shining overhead, the air warm without being oppressive, the sword spirit Onikiri was repaired and freed from the Minamoto Clan once again, and-one of the most important of all to a certain Demon King-the denizens of Mt. Oe were moving along rapidly with rebuilding their home...again. Of course, Shuten Doji's day was made even better-in his own eyes anyway-by his white-haired lover lounging comfortably at his side, head in his lap, with only the barest hint of a sake-fueled blush visibly coloring his darker skin. If anything, today could be charitably called 'perfect'.

The Demon King settled back comfortably, resting his weight on one hand, on the porch of his partially rebuilt manor-despite the opinions of most of Mt. Oe's denizens, he had been adamant, after piecing together some of his lost memories, that all of Mt. Oe should focus on their own homes and the defenses of both the mountain and the surrounding valley just in case the Minamoto, or anyone else by this point, decided to come after them once more. His and Ibaraki's home could wait in a half-finished state-that Ibaraki had started rebuilding not long after he had resurrected Shuten-until everything else of importance had been handled.

"Shuten?"

"Hm?" The Demon King blinked as his love's voice drew him from his musing. "Yeah? What is it, Ibaraki? Need some more sake?"

The white-haired male laughed a bit drunkenly in response and waved his hand. "No, no. Not yet. I was wondering what you were thinking of."

"Eh...not too much. Just drifting I suppose." Shuten said as he looked down at the male partially sprawled across his lap, a fond half-smile forming on his face before he downed the remains of his cup of sake. "What are you thinking of? Nothing bad I hope."

"No, no. I just had a weird thought is all."

_'Oh...this could be entertaining.'_ With his memories or without, Shuten always found some humor-and, fairly often, exasperation-in the drunken inner workings of his lover's mind. Sometimes the other spirit said the most profound of things, sometimes the most ridiculous, and other times...he made Shuten question his lover's sanity. "Enlighten me."

"Hm?" Ibaraki looked up at Shuten, blinking in confusion at the other male. "Oh. Yes. Well...it's a silly thing. Very stupid and weird. Nothing to talk about really."

_'Uh huh, sure.'_ If there was one thing Shuten knew very well, it was that any time that his Ibaraki tried to deflect away from something, it was probably more important than the white-haired spirit was letting on...or at least, something that was weighing on the other's mind more often than he wanted to admit to. Either way, there was little harm in prying, right?

"Come on, Ibaraki-you can tell me. I promise, no judgment." Well...not a lot of judgment anyway-it would depend. "Unless you're going to suggest that we invite Onikiri to drink with us, because I will have to say 'never again' if that's the case."

Ibaraki just blinked then sat up and shook his head; he picked up his cup, drinking down the remainder of the contents. "No, no. I do believe that we all learned our lesson last time. No. This had nothing to do with Onikiri and sake."

"Okay...so what is it?" Shuten asked, lounging back against the wall and watching his lover with amusement as he set the bottle down after refilling his own cup. "Shall we play the guessing game then? Let's see...does it involve anyone we know?"

"Uh...well, obviously it would. But it's not-"

"You're blushing more." Shuten said with a smirk, bringing his cup up to his lips-a part of him glad that his Ibaraki had not fumbled and dropped the bottle while trying to grab it to refill his own cup. "What? Trying to figure out who we could have a threesome with or something?"

The look that came on Ibaraki's face right there-that wide-eyed, slack-jawed, 'how did you know' expression-immediately brought about the impossible by making the Demon King choke on his sake. As Shuten spluttered, Ibaraki crawled over-bottle and cup forgotten-and slapped lightly at the other's back in an attempt to encourage the choking fit to subside. Once the coughing had ended, the pair locked eyes and Shuten cautiously spoke up-his voice far too raspy for his own liking at the moment. "Was...is that seriously what you were thinking about?"

"It crossed my mind out of curiosity." Ibaraki said quickly, trying to placate the other male. "But it's only a weird thought, really. I'm...probably very drunk right now."

"I think...we should table the sake for now." Shuten said after a moment of what he could only call awkward silence, setting his cup aside and moving to collect the near-empty bottle and Ibaraki's empty cup. "We both drink water, sober up, and discuss this rationally...or as rationally as we're capable of."

"Are...are you saying that you want one too?" Ibaraki asked, tilting his head to one side as he regarded his lover curiously.

"It...it's crossed my mind too. But, well...I don't want to push you into anything." For fuck's sake, Shuten knew that if he said that he wanted a harem, Ibaraki would agree to it in a heartbeat despite how much the white-haired male might truly be against the entire idea...and, even if it made him miserable, he knew that his lover would agree only to make Shuten happy.

The Demon King knew that he had taken advantage of his lover after he had been resurrected-he'd treated him as little more than a constant annoyance and a slave most of the time, then ran off chasing after Momiji while his Ibaraki had been left to chase after him and had suffered so much because of him-and still, the white-haired spirit had remained loyally at his side, watching over him and trying to help him in every way that he could...trying to defend him and his honor at every turn...and all that he had done to repay such devotion, during that time, was misuse him.  
Well...those days were over. His Ibaraki deserved whatever he might desire and, if it was in Shuten's power to provide, he would make certain that his lover had it.

* * *

As evening rolled around and the pair had retired to their room, considerably more sober than they might normally be. If anything, both had agreed that this discussion should take place behind the closed doors of the bedroom, well away from the prying and often curious eyes and ears of the spirits of Mt. Oe.

The pair stripped away their clothing and laid down on their futon, turning to face one another as they tried to figure out how to approach the subject from earlier in their day. Taking a deep breath, Shuten raked the fingers of one hand back into his loose mane of hair. "Okay...so, just to confirm: we both would be interested in having a threesome, right?"

"That appears to be the case." Ibaraki said with a slight nod, shifting himself forward so that they were closer to one another. "Though...if we do bring in a third, even temporarily, well...what gender would you prefer?"

"Eh...I don't know. A female could work...but most of the ones we know are crazy or obsessed with the onmyoji-" Shuten said thoughtfully-it was unsaid that they would never even consider Momiji for something like this. On one hand, she would emphatically say 'no', and there was a high likelihood that she would get violent in her use of exploding maple leaves or those dolls of hers-those things packed quite a wallop-to provide further emphasis on her refusal.  
On the other hand, Ibaraki would never forgive him if he even jokingly suggested the maple spirit-hell, if he did something that stupid, his suggestion whole-hearted and honest, Shuten knew that he wouldn't be seeing anything even remotely resembling sex for months. "-Or they're married or prefer other females."

"I am surprised that you didn't argue when Mio slapped you for staring at her chest at the festival." Ibaraki said with a small, amused smile-unable to resist trying to cut the tension that had been growing between them since earlier-as he tugged the blankets up over their bodies before returning to laying on his side next to his lover.

"Everything she wears practically puts her breasts on display-you can't help but look. " Shuten muttered defensively, rubbing at his cheek at the memory-really, he could not be faulted if his eyes just happened to drift downwards at what was obviously there while he was talking to the fox, regardless of whatever Yoto Hime had said during her subsequent laughing fit at his expense. "Okay...fine. I am enough of a somewhat functional, mature spirit to admit that I may have, possibly, deserved that slap. The claws near hitting my eye, not so much, but probably the slap. Though, again, I was aiming for her eyes, but her breasts were literally right there. Hell, she's how much shorter than I am?"

"She is not that much shorter than you, Shuten...but you do still have a point. So...bringing in a female is out. At least that narrows things down to only the males in our acquaintance group." Ibaraki said as one of Shuten's arms settled firmly around the white-maned spirit's body, drawing him closer until they were chest to chest. "Though now that leaves the fairly obvious question of which one we ask."

"Not Onikiri. That...that would be awkward and I feel like we'd be taking advantage of the guy." Shuten said firmly-sure, Onikiri was attractive to look at, but the sword spirit...was complicated. Everything about Onikiri was complicated because of the Minamoto-because of Yorimitsu and everything that he had done. It would never be fair to try to bring the sword spirit into the bedroom, even less when there was no way to prove that Onikiri was truly giving consent for such things.  
Shuten could admit that he had moments where he was an absolute bastard-mostly to Ibaraki from his resurrection and up until the last couple of months or so-but he refused to ever be that level of bastard.

Ootengu was not even to be considered since-as far as both Shuten and Ibaraki were concerned-he was little more than a traitor to all of spirit kind for siding with that dark onmyoji-Ibaraki shifting forward, pressing a series of quick kisses to the other male's lips, to silence any potential grumbling about "idiot onmyoji" from the Demon King-and helping try to resurrect Yamata-no-Orochi. If not for how few spirits there were that could match that bastard and the two siding with him, Shuten would have considered putting out a bounty on both Ootengu and the Yuki-Onna.  
Ibaraki merely reassured his lover that they would deal with both of the traitors and the dark onmyoji in time-not tonight, but in time.

Tamamo-no-mae was also not even considered in the slightest based on the fact that Shuten was personally furious at the fox for that entire stunt at the festival with Oboroguruma's froglets being 'transformed' to resemble so many high rank spirits, especially himself. That entire thing was a mockery and an insult in every way to the Demon King...despite Ibaraki's snickering insistence that-after you got used to seeing them-the froglets were "kind of funny", especially "the one that was supposed to look like Arakawa", because "no, Ibaraki. They are not".

Kamikui was pretty, but too high maintenance for either spirit-and neither wanted to deal with Kamikui's sister, Enenra, who would most likely become furious at the idea of anyone attempting to 'soil' her little brother's 'virtue'. The fact that the beauty-obsessed spirit seemed to-much like Momiji-be obsessively in love with Abe no Seimei was also a firm tally in the 'no' bracket.  
Though Ibaraki couldn't help but to joke about how 'grateful' he imagined that Momiji would be to them for "removing her rival", much to Shuten's faux-pained groan-accompanied by a dramatic drape of his arm over his eyes-of "can we please let that go?", that was suitably met with a mocking "no".

Either one of the Mujou brothers? Another hard pass, despite how good both looked, as Shiro Mujou seemed to be far too serious to be of any real fun and Kuro Mujou...was Kuro Mujou. Of course there was the glaringly obvious issues that both Shuten and Ibaraki barely knew the two emissaries beyond occasionally running into the brothers at Abe no Seimei's courtyard on the off-chance that either Shuten or Ibaraki felt the need to speak to the onmyoji, and-while trying to invite either brother to their bedroom might entertain Lady Enma beyond measure-they really did not have any way to contact either one of the pair.  
At least, there was no way for them to contact the pair that wouldn't risk getting them in trouble with someone-be it Lady Enma, Abe no Seimei, or whoever. Really, it would be more trouble than it was worth.

Hangan was an immediate hard pass for similar reasons as the brothers...and the additional reason of-in Ibaraki's own, almost annoyed-sounding, words-the judge having "a tree shoved up his ass". Shuten wanted to press his lover for details...but, at the same time, he was also pretty sure that he really did not want to know, especially if it had anything to do with what Ibaraki had to do to resurrect him.  
If the Demon King had pulled his lover closer and kissed him gently, near reverently, that was his business.

Youko was handsome, a decent friend to Ibaraki-though Shuten wondered when that had happened, and the fox was quite creative...but he was also very much into females-even if a couple of the fox's previous pursuits had seemed a bit uncomfortably young to Ibaraki, and to Shuten when the white-maned spirit had explained which females he was referring to-rather than males (outside of one time-to-never-be-spoken-of where the fox had been hammered and had drunkenly told Ibaraki that he thought that Ootengu was pretty) and both spirits figured that asking the fox would only be an invitation for awkwardness.  
Shuten, oddly enough, want to hear more about this time where his Ibaraki and the fox had been drinking, but the white-maned spirit only smirked and kissed him until the other male decided to let that particular subject drop.

Maestro was a beautiful spirit, creative...but both agreed that he seemed a little too high maintenance for their tastes-not as bad as Kamikui, but still. Of course, Ibaraki admitted that he was positive that something was going on between the white-haired zither player and the flutist, Mannedake, but he had little evidence to support his theory. Both, however, agreed that it would be pretty stupid and rude on their parts to risk drawing the wrath of another individual's lover-or possible lover as whatever case may be-just for a bit of fun in bed.  
Mannedake-while very appealing to look at-was a pass for the similar enough reasons of 'not risking an angry partner/possible partner's wrath', though Shuten did make a note to himself to invite both of the musicians to perform at the next festival.

The monk, Aobozu was a hard pass as well-sure he was handsome and there was potential with seeing just what lay beneath the quiet monk's outward facade, but both of them didn't think that it would be worth the trouble considering that the blood-thirsty sea spirit, Yasha, seemed obsessed-to them anyway-with said-monk. Ibaraki wondered aloud if the two had been lovers in the past or if they were now and Shuten could only shake his head and mutter that, regardless, the two spirits probably did-or would-have incredible "mountain cracking hate-sex" if they were involved.  
The fact that Ibaraki had snorted when he had laughed at that comment-and that he'd needed to shove his face into the pillow to muffle said-snort and laughter-was something that the white-haired male would deny having happened until his dying day, despite Shuten's teasing claim of it being 'adorable' because "no, Shuten. I am not adorable".

Ichimokuren was a possibility, but both discarded the thought as neither wanted to even consider what would happen if Susabi found out that someone had dared to proposition HIS Ichimokuren. Despite the aloof facade, nearly every spirit knew that Susabi was more than a little possessive of the once minor wind god, and that Ichimokuren merely accepted that possessiveness with a polite smile if not a pleased little laugh-the latter often shared with Miketsu who, according to what Ibaraki had heard from Hououka, thought that the pair were "so cute together".  
Susabi? Not even considered as, despite being insanely handsome, the spirit-much like Hangan, according to Ibaraki-seemed to "have a stick up his ass", though Ibaraki couldn't resist snickering and adding "I think it is more of a tree, perhaps as big as Hangan's." and Shuten had to kiss his lover to silence his snickers before they both ended up in a laughing fit that would be heard all over the mountain.

Bukkuman ("Who, Ibaraki?", "You really need to get out more, Shuten.", "Bite me.", "Ask nicely."), Kisei-for obvious reasons, Okuribito-for very obvious reasons, and few others-the names of whom caused Shuten to question both where and how his Ibaraki had met these seemingly random spirits, but only earned an amused "the onmyoji's courtyard is quite a popular gathering place"-were passed on as well for the simple reasons that they were barely even acquaintances or there would be far too many issues with trying to arrange anything, let alone the problems in the bedroom that could arise.

Shuten sprawled onto his back, a hand fisted into his hair as he stared up at the ceiling. "Fuck...I think we've gone through everyone we know."

Ibaraki merely nodded and settled himself next to the Demon King once more. "It appears so. Maybe we...should consider the females that we know?"

"Pretty sure most of them will say no. At least three of them would throw a punch." Shuten muttered in annoyance before his eyes widened as an internal lighting bolt flashed through his mind. "...This is gonna sound real stupid, but hear me out. What about a human?"

Ibaraki blinked at that, considering...then nodding-that could be interesting. He couldn't recall the last time that he had bedded a human. "That could work."

The pair stared at each other as a crazy idea took root in their heads, mouths quirking into simultaneous grins when they realized that they were thinking of the exact same person. Sure, there would need to be a lot of negotiation on the subject with the human in question-as well as putting aside a few things for the moment, but they could hash out those details as needed. They had time.  
And...even if everything couldn't be put aside, they could all still have an interesting time together.  
After all...maybe the human would have some fun ideas of his own.


	2. Chapter 2

After everything that had happened in the Capital over the last few months, the past few summer days were a blessing in their peacefulness. No better place did this peace exist than within the courtyard of Abe no Seimei, who was preparing to go into town to pick up a few small things.

As the onmyoji stepped outside and into his sandals, he took in the view around him: several spirits milling about through the summer flowers in full bloom, a very frustrated Hiromasa was restringing his bow beneath one massive tree, Kagura looked as content as ever as she sat by the water wheel with Zashiki and Kusa-the three discussing something in town, Oguna was trying to take a nap while Doujo was attempting to bury him in flowers, Kohaku was sunning himself on his back near the small lily pond-clearly asleep and kicking his legs in his dreams, Inugami and Hakuro were sitting on the ground near the porch to better keep a wary watch on Yao Bikuni as she sat in seeming meditation on said-porch, and Aobozu was meditating under a tree with Yasha trying to engage him in yet another fight as the sea spirit was bored-the monk, however, was refusing to acknowledge the other male's running mouth and occasional light kick to the monk's shoulder.  
The Son of Kuzu-no-ha did hope that the last one did not end in a fight-regardless of his one rule being for peace in his courtyard, even he knew that some things just couldn't be helped-as, soon, it would be far too cold to replant his flowers.

Seimei glanced around a second time-there was no sign of Momiji or Kamikui around, and the onmyoji decided that he should accept that small blessing for what it was. While he had no quarrels with the two spirits, their nigh-constant competition over which of them was more beautiful and deserving of him had grown tiring within the first week, and he had yet to figure out exactly how to make it clearer to the two spirits, without having to resort to behaving like Hiromasa, that he was not interested in anything of that nature with either one of them.  
Enenra had been no real help either in regards to her brother-she'd just wished the onmyoji luck and asked for him to try to not break her brother's heart when he finally managed to get the spirit to understand that he was not interested. Seimei had been left wondering if all sets of siblings behaved like that or if the sets he knew were merely special cases.

"Going somewhere, Seimei?" Hiromasa asked, glancing up from working on his bow when the white-haired man came near to him-raising a dark brow, seemingly in appraisal, at the far more simple, yet still elegant kimono and hakama that the onmyoji was wearing. Seimei raised a brow in question-was he imagining things or was Hiromasa...no. No. That would be silly.

"Only to town to pick up a few things. Do you require anything, Hiromasa?" Seimei asked, delicately tapping his fan against his palm as he regarded the archer; the Minamoto waved a hand, looking back down at his unstrung bow and returning to his work. "Nothing I can't get myself."

"Very well then."

"Try to not get abducted."

"Hiromasa-" Was all that the onmyoji got out before both men stopped and stared at one another when they sensed an immense power quickly approaching the courtyard-Kagura and the shikigami immediately rising and going on their guard, Yao Bikuni sliding off of the porch so that she was standing at the ready with her staff in her hand. Hiromasa rose to stand, his gaze focused just behind the white-haired man's shoulder and Seimei turned around to see whom exactly had come to visit.  
A hush fell over the courtyard as Ibaraki Doji merely strode through the gates, not unlike a samurai on a mission, and over to where the two men stood.

"Greetings, Abe no Seimei...and everyone else."

"Greetings, Ibaraki Doji. To what do we owe the honor of your visit?" Seimei asked, regarding the chaotic spirit in front of him warily-every instinct in his body warned that something was very much amiss with this little visit, with only the spirit's lack of armor as the tip of that proverbial spear.

"Shuten Doji and I would like for you to come with me to Mt. Oe tonight."

Seimei processed this, tapping his fan against his palm-was it his imagination or was the spirit staring at him? He did not look that strange out of his ceremonial robes, did he? "I see. Well, give us a moment and we can-"

"No. You are fine as you are...and we only require you." Was all that Ibaraki said with an almost predatory smile on his face...before he grabbed the onmyoji and swiftly put him over his shoulder not unlike a sack of rice-the suddenness of the movements causing the white-haired man to drop his fan in surprise. "No worries. I shall return you to this very spot soon enough. Tomorrow afternoon by the latest."

Before anyone else could do anything, the white-maned spirit and his captive were gone.

Finally, Yasha's voice broke the confused silence that had overtaken the courtyard. "That...did that just happen? Monk, you saw that, right?"

"I have functioning eyes, Yasha."

* * *

_'Well...this is undignified.'_ Was the main thought in Seimei's head as he was being carried up Mt. Oe on Ibaraki Doji's shoulder like a fresh carcass. The onmyoji had tried-several times in fact-since their arrival and the beginning of their ascent from halfway up the mountain, to find out exactly why his presence was being demanded so badly that it required him being abducted from his home...but the other male had been infuriatingly evasive in giving only a vague "we shall tell you when we arrive" and continuing their ascent as if this were perfectly normal.

_'If this is some mischief of Tamamo-no-mae's, I am going to be furious with him.'_ Seimei muttered in his head, resting his chin on a fist-his elbow supported against Ibaraki's shoulder blade-as he took to admiring the view of the forest of the mountain from a new perspective, in order to keep his thoughts firmly away from the large hand resting comfortably on the back of his thighs to keep him secure on the spirit's shoulder. "I can walk, Ibaraki Doji."

"I am aware. However, this is much faster."

The onmyoji closed his eyes a moment-he felt anger bleeding into his confusion and embarrassment, and it would not be a good idea to give in to that particular emotion at the moment. When he opened his eyes, the white-haired man could only stare as they passed by Onikiri who was staring after them in utter confusion-the sword spirit seemingly struggling to process the sight that he was witnessing before seemingly giving up and wandering off into the woods with a hand pressed to his forehead, muttering something beneath his breath.

"I...do believe that seeing this has greatly disturbed Onikiri."

"Possible." Ibaraki said, having stopped a moment to watch the sword spirit wander off. He shifted the onmyoji on his shoulder, trying to keep the rather awkward position comfortable for both of them, and began their ascent once more. "Hopefully he avoids going to the small tavern that we have. The last thing anyone needs is Onikiri drinking again."

Seimei blinked slowly at that statement, then... "What happened the last time that he was drinking?"

"Trust me when I say that you do not want me to answer that question."

= = =  
_  
'Won't be too much longer now.'_ Thought the Demon King of Mt. Oe as he stood on the porch of his half-finished home, a smirk on his face at the thoughts of what tonight could be like for him, his lover, and their 'special guest'. Leaning on a support beam for the ceiling above the porch, the spirit went over his mental itinerary for the evening, ticking off each thing on his fingers.

Step 1. Send Ibaraki to get the onmyoji: check.  
Step 2. Make sure that their bedroom was somewhat presentable: check.  
Step 3. Have a sitting room ready with sake, tea, and finger foods for the discussion-slash-seduction portion of the evening: check.  
Step 4. Get his lover and said-onmyoji back to the bedroom and have both of them naked in bed with him: not quite check, but it would be soon enough. He was sure of it. After all...how could the onmyoji possibly resist the pair of them together?

Shuten smirked wider when Ibaraki finally arrived through the gate to the yard of the manor, onmyoji still laid over his shoulder-the man shifting just enough to prove that, thankfully, Ibaraki hadn't been forced to knock the onmyoji out or anything of that sort. He pushed off of the support beam and stepped from the porch, striding forward to meet the pair halfway and reaching out to press a hand firmly to the small of the onmyoji's back.

_'Showtime.'_


	3. Chapter 3

_'Well...not complaining about this sight. Onmyoji actually looks pretty good when he's not suffocating in those robes.'_ Shuten thought as he eyed the onmyoji sitting at one side of the table, between himself and Ibaraki who sat across from one another. _'Well...I'll get to see if he looks good without these clothes soon enough.'_

Ibaraki rested his chin absentmindedly on the back of his hand, regarding both his lover and the onmyoji-the latter of whom honestly looked so lost sitting there with a cup of tea in front of him. A sly grin formed on the white-maned spirit's face-this could be a very fun night for all involved, if the onmyoji would agree to spend it with them...but getting that agreement, that consent, may prove the difficult part. No matter-he was certain that, between Shuten and himself, they could help the son of a fox find reason enough to join them in their bedroom.

Seimei, however, glanced between the two spirits-he suspected that, if he had his memory fully intact, he might have a better clue of how to deal with this situation, but, as it stood, he had not been this lost since waking up without his memories to begin with.

They had still not told him exactly why his presence was required-and there had not even been an apology, or an attempt at one, for abducting him from his home and carting him about in the manner that he had been. No, instead, Ibaraki had carried him-still over his shoulder like a sack of rice-inside of the manor and only set him down on his feet once they had entered this sitting room, Shuten pouring sake for himself and Ibaraki and letting Seimei choose if he would prefer some of the sake or a cup of tea. The Demon King had looked amused when he'd said that he would prefer the tea-it was too early in the day for him to drink sake in his own opinion-but the spirit had prepared it and handed him the cup without complaint, even telling him that he 'hoped Seimei liked it' as it was a special blend known only to Mt. Oe these days.

That honestly threw the onmyoji off, as he could not figure out why exactly Shuten Doji would care if he liked the tea blend or not-for the record, he was enjoying it very much and had offered his own compliments on it.

Once they were seated, a trio of small spirits had come in and set down a few containers of steamed fish, skewers of grilled meats and vegetables, and small cakes that resembled water droplets-nothing too heavy, though the onmyoji was very confused by the cakes, until Ibaraki had cheerfully explained that the cakes were a treat that one of the cooks had come up with ages ago and that they were delicious in his opinion. After eating one, Seimei had to agree with the chaotic spirit's assessment.

Overall, things could be worse...but they would be better if one of the two spirits-preferably both-would stop eyeing him as if he were a piece of honey-roasted meat, and kindly explain why exactly he was here.

"Okay...I think we should get on with this." Shuten said after a moment, smirking not unlike a cat with a mouse to play with. "First though...I hope you enjoyed dinner, Seimei."

"The food was exceptional. My compliments to your cooks, Shuten Doji." Seimei said, setting the cup of tea down and looking between the pair once more-Shuten Doji was calling him by name. This must be important. "Though...I am still rather curious as to why exactly I was requested so abruptly?"  
Really, if they only wanted him to dine with them, they could have just asked him to instead of abducting him. He wasn't that hard to talk to, was he?

"I figured as much. Sorry-" No, not really. "-but we wanted this to be a little surprise."

Seimei raised a brow, then blinked-was it his imagination or had Ibaraki slid closer to him? He looked back at the Demon King as Shuten began to speak once more.

"See, here's the thing: we were talking a couple of days ago about wanting to...'spice things up' just a bit. What we settled on was bringing a third person in to our bedroom for a night-"

Seimei's eyes widened-oh no. No. They did not mean him...and Ibaraki was practically at his side, looking down at him with a grin that matched Shuten's perfectly. Shuten rested one forearm on the table as he leaned a bit closer.

"-We settled on you." Shuten said before blinking-the onmyoji almost looked like a frightened rabbit-and letting his smirk drop away into a small smile that he hoped at least looked reassuring. "Look, we're just laying things out. You want to say "no" and Ibaraki'll take you back home-no harm, no foul."

Ibaraki got the message and nodded, settling his hand on the onmyoji's own. "Even if you agree and then change your mind, you're still free to go. But...I think we'd both like it if you stayed the night. If not, again, I'll be happy escort you back to your home."

Seimei drew in a breath as he processed this-they wanted him in their bed. Just one night, but still...how does one deal with this? He didn't even remember if he had lain with anyone in such a manner before, let alone another man...and now two of the most powerful spirits in the realm wanted him to join them for one night just to entertain them? He frowned some at that-letting his mask slip just slightly. "I...am uncertain."

"What are you uncertain about?" Ibaraki asked, genuinely curious as Shuten raised a brow and regarded the onmyoji sitting with them-the Demon King frowned abit in thought before the lightning bolt struck his brain once more. "Just uncertain over doing it with two at once...or over the act itself?"

"More like I am uncertain if I have ever participated in such affairs before."

Ibaraki looked at Shuten-had they considered that? They seemed to like to forget that the onmyoji had lost many, if not all, of his memories not too unlike Shuten losing his own. The Demon King rested a fist against his chin in thought-well that was a bit of a dilemma, nothing that he would object to really, but still. "Then...that's a 'no'?"

"I...I am not certain. As I said, I do not recall if I have ever participated in such things before. I imagine I would become frustrating if I were to spend an evening with you both in such a manner."

Ibaraki looked back at Shuten in thought, the pair seemingly conversing with only their eyes-they wouldn't object to bringing a possible virgin into their bedroom...if anything, it would be interesting. Sure, they would be guiding the onmyoji, teaching him what he did not remember, or might not even know-that held an appeal all of its own really. If the white-haired man did agree to join them, they both knew that they would have to go slow with him, be gentle-a novelty on its own considering that their preferred sexual encounters with one another tended to lean more towards the rough side of things, both in the past and in the now.  
But...there was a type of responsibility there as well-to take someone potentially inexperienced to bed with them, to teach them...it would almost be cruel to put the onmyoji out after.

Shuten inclined his head in thought-even if they didn't keep Seimei like they kept each other, the Demon King decided that he could be fine with keeping the onmyoji as a lover to the both of them...someone that they could share to spice things up, maybe even visiting the onmyoji to take care of him in his own home. There were interesting possibilities in such an arrangement. All be it, such a thing would require far more negotiation that a simple one night stand, but...what was the harm in going through with it? The worst that could be said was "no" after all.  
Ibaraki locked eyes with the Demon King and nodded-agreeing as if he had read his lover's mind.

Shuten looked back at the onmyoji who had been watching them both as if he could read their silent conversation, and nodded as he moved himself closer to the pale man. Oddly, Seimei did not move away-not as if he would have gotten far anyway, with Ibaraki on his other side, practically at his back-but he did look up at the Demon King, expression mostly blank save for the confused uncertainty in his eyes. Shuten reached out and cupped the onmyoji's cheek in a hand-he glanced at Ibaraki who nodded in response-and spoke quieter as if to calm the man's nerves. "I wouldn't be opposed to keeping you, Seimei. Ibaraki?"

The white-maned spirit trailed his hand up the man's arm, over the sleeve of the kimono. "Nor would I. But...again, it is your call, Seimei. We can both take care of you. You will be ours if that's what you want."

Seimei...wasn't sure. If anything, perhaps he would be safer with these two spirits rather than a human lover-so many humans were always sniffing about for foxes to take control of. That warning-to be wary of his human bedmates-was one from his mother that he recalled perfectly even now, ringing loud and clear in his head like the chiming of a grand bell. Humans could lie to him, they would want to use him-more so if they knew what he truly was. But spirits...would spirits do the same? It was a possibility...yet...there was less of a risk in this-not much less of a risk, but still.  
And, if he were honest with himself...the onmyoji was growing more curious. "And...if I say to 'stop'?"

"Then it stops." Shuten said calmly-his hand still cupping the onmyoji's cheek as Ibaraki's own hand slowly stroked back down Seimei's arm and covered the white-haired man's forearm on the table. "You say 'stop'-or anything like it-and that's what happens. Things stop. Neither one of us'll force you to do anything that you don't want to do."

Seimei lightly bit at the inside of his cheek-he wasn't sure if there was a genuine downside to this. But...if they would stop if he said so, maybe he could see where this could go. Worst case scenario, they were lying to him...but... '_If it turns out that they are lying and intending to use me, Tamamo-no-mae will have a fit.'_  
Well...he hoped that they weren't lying, for their own sakes. Tamamo-no-mae could be vicious if he were genuinely furious.

Decision made, the onmyoji looked from the Demon King in front of him to the chaotic spirit behind him then back to the spirit in front of him once more. "Show me."

Ibaraki grinned in response and encouraged the onmyoji to look back at him-Shuten's hand trailing from the white-haired man's cheek to his throat, barely brushing his claws over pale skin. The white-maned spirit sealed his lips over the man's in a gentle kiss.

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XXX XXX XXX

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Author here:  
Thank you if you got this far into this crack.  
Next chapter could boost the rating if everyone wants me to write it.  
Leave a comment below if you'd like another hit of this crack.


	4. Interlude: Boner Break

Hey...before we get to the smutty goodness...let's see what everybody else is up to. [Originally written on April 1st...but forgot to post cause IRL sucks right now.]

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Originally...this was intended to be a "Boner Break" for the smut of chapter 4...but I decided to not be evil and just post it separate between 3 and 4, so everyone can know what everyone else is doing while the smut was taking place. Enjoy the OOC stupidity.

FYI: I actually love all of these characters...but absolute derp makes me lol. No offenses are intended-I'm just sleep-deprived and over-caffeinated.

Also...virtual cookies if you can guess what anime/manga the two guest characters and one guest mention are from.

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Entering the small tavern halfway up Mt. Oe may not have been Hiromasa's best idea-and no, he didn't need Kagura, Kohaku, AND Yao Bikuni all reminding him of that, thank you very much-but, despite having been to the top of Mt. Oe before, no one in the quartet had any idea where exactly Shuten Doji's home was on the mountain-even Yao Bikuni could not divine the location despite her best attempt...so she said-and, in the archer's personal experience, taverns were always good places to get information. All be it, none of them, save for probably Kohaku, were well-liked by the denizens of the mountain-Hiromasa and Kagura for the obvious 'related to Minamoto no Yorimitsu' reasons and Yao Bikuni for the 'sided with Yamata-no-Orochi and almost destroyed the world' reasons-but still.

The side-eyed glares from the spirits at their tables, coupled with the wary suspicious glances from the spirits serving sake and food, only enhanced the sudden graveyard-like silence that had settled over the room as soon as the group had entered.

With a determined gait, Hiromasa stalked up to the bar-ignoring Kagura's soft sigh of "brother...at least try to look non-threatening", Kohaku's unsure shout of "we come in peace", and Yao Bikuni's deadpan "yet we may end up leaving in pieces" followed by Kohaku's panic-stricken shout at the seer's words-and looked at the massive, reddish-skinned spirit standing behind the bar and looking like he was completely and utterly unphased by the Minamoto's existence.

Kagura gave a long-suffering look to one of the servers-who appeared to be doing their level best to hide behind their tray as if it were a shield-and delicately shifted her folded umbrella onto her shoulder. "My sincerest apologies. It appears that my brother lacks tact."

The server simply nodded her head and cautiously slunk as far from the group as she could just as Hiromasa placed his hand on the bar. The archer looked up into the impassive, and very unimpressed gaze of the barkeep. "We're looking for Shuten and Ibaraki Doji's home. They brought Abe no Seimei here earlier today."

A loud, pained noise of the dying-or resurrecting dead, no one could be sure-next to them drew the quartet's attention.

"Uh.." Hiromasa started-not sure what to make of this as Onikiri made a a second distressed noise that was not unlike the one made by Kohaku the last time that the fox's tail had been set on fire-thanks to a 'prank' from Lady Hououka-and shoved his face down into his hands. Every spirit in the tavern-save for the yellow-brown-haired barkeep who was scratching at the base of one of his horns-scrambled onto their feet, or onto their equivalent of feet, and started slowly making their ways towards the door with matching expressions of absolute 'I-need-dark-colored-pants' terror.

A third noise from the sword spirit and most of the spirits-patrons and even servers-had practically trampled one another in an attempt to flee out of the only door all at the same time-the wooden frame of the door giving way under the onslaught...and earning a resigned muttering of "and now I have to replace THAT again" from the barkeep who looked longingly back to the kitchen at hearing muffled snickering.

Yao Bikuni blinked in confusion-not certain what to make of the sword spirit's behavior-and turned a cautious look to an equally confused, and steadily growing more concerned, Kagura. Hiromasa just nudged at Kohaku-the fox looking back at him in confusion...before the archer huffed and all-but-shoved the fox in the sword spirit's general direction with a sandal-clad foot. Kohaku-after shooting the archer the most furious glare that he could in his current form-cautiously trotted up to the sword spirit who was practically hunched over the bar.

"Uh...Onikiri? Are you...are you...are you well?"

Onikiri jerked his hands away-turning his gaze up to the barkeep and angrily gestured at the empty, fairly large, cup in front of him. "Fill. It. Up. NOW."

The barkeep crossed his massive arms over his chest-deciding to ignore the group of increasingly confused humans for the moment, in favor of dealing with the irate sword spirit currently in minature form. He rubbed at the bit of yellow-brown beard around his mouth and stared down at the smaller spirit. "You've had enough, Onikiri."

Onikiri all-but leapt up onto the bar, landing on his knees, and grabbed the barkeep by the collar of the sleeveless robe that the other spirit wore-trying his best to shake the much larger spirit...who didn't so much as budge. "I will tell you when I have had enough! I have seen mind-breaking things that defy all manners of logic today. You will give me more sake so that I can blast these accursed images from my mind, Enki."

The barkeep rolled his eyes and calmly grabbed the sword spirit by the back of his robes, held him out at arms-length, and proceeded to walk around the bar-with the clearly very drunk mini-Onikiri doing a passable impression of a very angry wet cat-and towards the broken-framed door. "Kokou, darling, I'll be back. I'm just gonna go knock him out."

A much tinier, green-haired female spirit came out from the kitchen-wiping her lavender-colored hands on a cloth and smirking ear to ear. "Okay. Try to not lose a horn like when you had to do that to Raizen a few centuries ago."

"It grew back!"

Hiromasa just blinked...then, slowly, took a seat on a barstool-unable to process what he had just seen-and rested his head in his hands. "...sake?"

The female spirit just nodded and poured a cup of something that smelled incredible, but would probably hit like a kanabo to the face, for the archer-giving the human an impressed look when he practically tossed back the contents of the cup in a single go-before she turned to look at the pair of females and the fox spirit with an oddly cheery 'patron service smile' and flicked her cloth so that it now lay over one bared shoulder. "Anything for you?"

Kagura looked at her brother, then at Yao Bikuni-who had clearly given up on all of this already and had taken a seat at a table with a very much, equally done with everything Kohaku-then sighed softly. "Would you happen to have sake-steamed sand borer? Three orders, please. And two orders of tea? And water for Kohaku if possible?"

"Coming right up, little miss."

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Side Note: I will not be posting the smut here as I don't trust my luck with FFN's policies regarding smut.

If you'd like to read the smut portions of this story, please go to Archive of Our Own and look for this story under the same title you see here. Penname is DemonAngelSakina.

Thank you and I hope you read and enjoy, darlings!


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